CHAOS BEFORE PREDICTABILITY

The Tories have landed. It’s no secret. And Gideon is waving his scissors around freely; let’s just hope no one ever warned him not to run with them. In the latest of a long line of budget cuts, the tight-right have decided water is inefficient and, with immediate effect, have halved the oxygen allowance. This leaves us with simply HO, and a lot of it.

But there’s no Santa on the horizon. Through twisted Tory logic, they believe it will increase oxygen supplies to such a level that it will render all Earth docile, leaving them free to eat foxes.

Due to a small oversight on their part, it will eradicate the seas leaving a lot of fish slightly confused and left to either be eaten very swiftly – though with no water to drink, everyone will be too thirsty to eat – else it will rot. Those that have no yet suffered the indignity of dying of thirst will want to die once the smell of billions of tonnes of rotting sea life hits them.

Don’t stand for this blatant disregard for common sense, reality and general decency. Write to your local Conservative MP and let them know you won’t stand for such cuts. After all, I’m pretty keen on water as it is.

I feel sick, yet I can’t stop drinking it. With ever sip, I feel a little bit sicker. Fully conscious of this, I’m set on finishing it. What’s more, I know full well I’ll get more. I’m talking about Monster energy drinks. There’s something demonic about them.

I don’t know what’s in them. I’m too scared to look. Whatever it says will probably be a lie too. Deep down, I know its secret ingredient; that one that keeps me drinking it, even though it makes me feel like my brain’s going to implode and be replaced with a small, ornamental goat. It is the essence of Phil Collins. That’s right – he’s at it again.

Anyone that’s ever watched Angel, Buffy, or generally anything filled with demons will know you wouldn’t want to drink a demon. No one would. They just don’t look tasty. Also, they’re not in refreshing liquid form.

What Mr Collins has done is found a way of harvesting these poor demons straight from his trap door to hell and then processing them into a fluorescent energy drink sold to idiots like myself.

Why is he doing this? Because, he’s Phil Collins. You didn’t appreciate him enough when he was around so this is what you get. It’s just another dastardly deed that adds up to his cheeky incident with Jesus.

Next time you go to grab that can of Kaos, just remember: that strange aftertaste....it’s demon spleen. Enjoy.

The crime of killing Jesus has, for centuries, been unfairly put upon the Jewish people. However, there is a far more logical suspect – Phil Collins.

Just put these two pieces of information together and you’ll see how I came to this very probable conclusion. According to a study, approximately 80% of victims knew their killers. Now, consider the words of Phil Collins himself: “Jesus – he knows me”. See how that works out? That is as good as fact.

However, due to a conspiracy masterminded by the deceptively old Genesis singer, the entire passage recalling it in the bible was wiped out. Instead of Paul, there was actually meant to be Phil. This tragic lie has been carried out like a Chinese whisper, using innocent Jewish folk as an easy scape goat.

While I respect your music, I think that was a step too far, Mr Collins.

And to anyone that doubts this impenetrably sound theory, you weren’t there so you can’t disprove it.

By the power invested in me by freedom of speech, I hereby declare that Molly Norris and her gaggle of followers are fucking idiots.

Think you're making a point that you're freedom of speech is being revoked? Your mind's stuck on the tiny minority that might threaten to hurt or even kill you for insulting their prophet. What about the millions of other innocent women and men who are just going about their day. Well done, you upset them too. They're just like you - only they're not disrespecting things that matter to you. They're not threatening to hurt you.

By suggesting you're making a point that it provokes Muslim violence just creates added insult. Again, we're talking about a very small minority. Everyone else, you've just needlessly upset and then you've called them terrorists, too. I can see how thought out and artful your campaign was. What's your next trick? How about you go kick a panda and then complain it's your right to do so.

I believe in freedom of speech. That's exactly why this pisses me off so much. This 'draw Muhammed day' campaign cheapens the entire idea of the rights to free speech. Every time someone wants to offend someone needlessly, they just run and hide behind that little get out of jail card. Take a look at the BNP, they do it all the time. It's their fail safe. Hope you enjoy sitting up there with them, by the way, you're just as useless as that lot.

Freedom of speech gives us the ability to speak out against the government. It lets us stand up for what we think it right. It's not there for you to pick on a group of people, mock them because you don't understand their belief system and then say they're in the wrong because it's against your fundamental rights. Why exactly do you NEED the right to draw their prophet? How does in benefit you? Is having to make an apology that's broadcast nationally whilst you run with your tail between your legs benefit you?

The only people that have got anything out of this are the press, because you've given them a story.

And finally, I respect art and the ability to 'express' yourself. I'm not exactly Captain Tactful. But there's a difference between treading the line and purposefully campaign to offend people, under the cover of 'fighting for a right' when you have absolutely no necessity for it. So stop weakening the power of freedom of speech and use your talents a little bit better.

I offer no apologies. End.

“Leading Lientists discover today discover eating pine cones whilst facing South-East is a number one cause of cancer”. Sound (sort of) familiar. The boom in sensationalist stories stating that everything but God’s left testicle can give you this, that or the other disease has led to an increase in death.

Whilst scientific evidence is currently unavailable thanks to a printer-jam error and the theft of semi-important details by an unruly mink, it’s save to say that reading stories such as “baked beans cause AIDs” has lead to more and more people getting the pox. How this happens is quite a simple process. Allegedly, all the nation’s favourite red top papers fill these words with an invisible ray of bullshit. When concentrated on, the words emit this ray straight into your left cornea.

Once this has been achieved, you will successfully (or unsuccessfully) gain the pox. Simply put, this is strain is not dissimilar to leprosy, only with a few minor differences.

The first is that it will ensure that within 48 hours, a number 42 bus tramples you through the floor. The second is that it can easily be cured by Ben Shaw’s “I got the pox, the pox is what I got”.

If you have read, of suspect you might have read one of these stories laded with invisible rays of bollocks, listen to Ben Shaw immediately, else avoid all known bus stops.