CHAOS BEFORE PREDICTABILITY

In light of the PPC deciding to back down against Jan Moir, Daily Mail crayon-monkey, I feel it’s time to reveal something about this infamous reptilian reporter. Sphincter in one hand and stomach in the other, she distributes bile and excrement in equal portions onto the pages of an already filth infested rag. This we all know. And to some degree, agree on. What isn’t so widely known is her deep secret that has been hidden from public minds for decades.

Now, there is something about eels that has mystified the natural world. We known their life cycle and we know they are born and die in the ocean. However, spawning has never been witnessed. Why? Because Jan Moir is their spawning ground.

Every full moon, this red-top pen scribbler leaves a hollow shell in her office to act as a decoy. It’s cold and vacant, so no one knows the difference. The creature from inside then makes its way to the deep blue oceans. Eels wait in the meeting spot, deploying their eggs in abundance. When Moir-beast arrives, she then assimilates the spawn through osmosis.

Now safely in their dark nest, the eggs incubate and gradually begin to hatch. Meanwhile, the Moir-beast begins to grow larger and larger, sucking in plankton to provide sustenance for the little’uns.

When these hatch, they burst at force from every orifice their nest contains. Causing immense discomfort to the Moir-beast, it fills her with rage, hate and inaccuracies. When back on dry land and in her shell, this pain comes with her and pours out onto the keyboard.

That, in short, is the only logical explanation for writing such utter cack in her Daily Mail column.