CHAOS BEFORE PREDICTABILITY

I recall a time in Asda many moons back when I discovered a box of cream filled cakes – the painfully delicious in appearance kind of cakes that scream at you until you’ve devoured them. This particular box of wonders was advertised at buy one get one free (BOGOF). To not take advantage would be a crime, I thought.

My partner in crime did not agree though. “Who can eat two boxes of cakes? It’s just not necessary”. “YOU’RE not necessary”, were my particular thoughts. What kind of scoundrel would purposefully buy a single box of cakes when they could have a second free? No kind that I wish to be associated with.

So I did it. I bought both. What’s more, I ate them. Sure, it was unnecessary calories, but I don’t care about that. The alternative would have been far more terrible. Have you ever passed up on a BOGOF offer and simply just taken one and left the freebie abandoned on the shelf? Of course not.

If, by some madness, such an event were to occur, all hell would quite literally break loose. For decades, demons have hidden in the stock room of every supermarket around the nation, just waiting for such a foolish affair to take place.

You see, it’s their devious trap. First they plants the wickedly tempting deal, then through gender magazines and day time TV they push the importance of guilt and moderation. They created the person that can buy a tube of Pringles and not eat them all. They developed the mindset that says “I don’t need to eat the whole packet of biscuits, I only need one”. And one day, such dangerous thinking will lead to someone purchasing that single box of cakes.

When that day comes, we’re all in trouble. Bourbons will be replaced by lettuce; fried chicken will transform into couscous and all muffins will turn into a single oat. So, unless you crave such an anti-utopia, bow to the might of the BOGOF and double your joy.